White chocolate red velvet cake balls

Beware! Cake balls are tough.

Look at them all disciplined, lined up in neat rows.

Getting here for them wasn't easy. They have left a trail of havoc and mess not only in the kitchen, but also in my head. Because cake balls are experts at psychological warfare and that is what they do best.

You have to respect them, they have been through rough times.

They have been left overnight out in the cold, and the next day thrown into the deep end to fend for their lives in hot liquid. Some get the dunk treatment twice. They barely made it out alive.

Not a smooth life for these folks. Their skins have formed ridges on the scars of the wounds that have healed.

But you know what? Don't judge them.

They are real softies at heart.

They might even strike a pose for you if you ask them nicely.

They still blush when you call them 'amazing' and 'incredible'!

Because they truly are.

Have one!

Or twenty, at one sitting, like I did.

Red Velvet Cake Balls

These were inspired by Bakerella. This being my second time making cake balls, I followed the same directions here. The proportions you should be looking at is a 13" by 9" cake to 1 (16 ounce) container of frosting.

I used the Red Velvet cake and flour frosting and covered them in white chocolate with cake crumbs for the toppings. I put the cake crumbs in the fridge so they harden a little and becomes easier to work with. I plopped just enough frosting until the crumbled cake and frosting forms the consistency of play dough. I think it also helps that the cake is moist but not overly, like the Sprite cake I used last time. It was easy to roll, and the balls didn't melt even when dipped in the chocolate.

I must say I really, really love these cake balls, and so did everyone I gave it too! Unlike buttercream-type and storebought frosting, the flour frosting adds just the right amount of sweetness and complemented the cake really well. Unlike my initial stab at cake balls, these weren't gooey at all. Very smooth texture, very truffle-like. A pleasure to sink your teeth into.

So it's the perfect marriage of the right cake and the right frosting. And they lived happily ever after. In my tummy. Yummy!

What would the Failed Chef do next time?

• Try out using chocolate covering as well and see how the tastes combine?

Flour Frosting

Have you ever heard these reassuring words? Such as:

"Three is a magic number" or

"Third time lucky"?

These are all sweet and well-meaning words.

They are also...

Lies! A pack of damn lies, man!

These words do not apply to frosting, as articulated in the Frosting Code of Conduct.

Presenting my case, if I may -

Exhibit A: The Failed Buttercream Frosting.

Exhibit B: The Failed Cream Cheese Frosting.

And &$#*-ing thirdly, 

Exhibit C: The Failed Flour Frosting.

But the truth - and the truth will set you free - is that this frosting is de-li-cious! That's a sign of how potent a frosting is - that it is delicious even when it fails. See, it says so here on page 89 under Frosting Code of Conduct.

So don't let my failed attempt stop you from trying it. Here's the recipe from MissyDew of Tasty Kitchen.

By the way, joining the rest of you in the 21st century, I am now making frosting on a machine, hooray!

Flour Frosting

5 tbs flour
1 cup milk
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 cup butter
1 cup fine grain or caster sugar

1. Add milk into a small saucepan.
2. Whisk flour into milk and heat. Do not stop stirring until it thickens. When will it start to thicken? For me, it happens at the point when I was daydreaming about attaining nirvana, after I have moved on from ruminating about where my missing hair band might be. Results vary.
3. Remove from heat and let it cool to room temperature.
4. When cool, stir in vanilla extract.
5. Cream the butter and sugar together until light and fluffy, about 7-8 minutes. 
6. Then add the completely cooled milk/flour/vanilla mixture and 'beat the living daylights out of it'. MissyDew also says that  'if it looks separated, you haven’t beaten it enough!'

I confess to being very nervous about this. I am no advocate of violence.

But because I'm highly impressionable, I 'beat the living daylights out of it'. On high for 15 minutes. And this is what I get.

Which is what you don't want to get. You do not want frosting that separates.

Not least because separated, failed frosting does not spread nicely on a cake. Because failed frosting can only do what they are supposed to do. Which is to not spread nicely. This is found in Article 17.4 of Frosting Code of Conduct, just so you know.

You should instead be getting a frosting that resembles whipped cream.

And now we all know that violence is not the answer. Add that to your Code of Conduct!

What would the Failed Chef do next time?

• Make the flour mixture hours in advance (maybe 4-5 hrs) and let it completely cool. Or put the saucepan on ice like MissyDew says or put in for 20-30 seconds in the freezer, take it out, stir and repeat this process 2-3 times until it cools to room temperature as what phatbaker advises.
• Probably not to beat it for so long. Next time perhaps less than 3 minutes, or even less than a minute, on medium high?

Carmine Carmeleona Cake

Ah, the Carmine* Carmeleona# Cake.

There is nothing better.

First, a bit of background:

* Carmine is a deep soulful pink colour.
# Carmeleona is type of fabric worn only by royalty in the land of Kamrua in the 8th century. Archeologists have recently discovered a fragment of this cloth in the ancient tomb of one of their queens.

This Carmine Carmelona Cake has recently exploded and has taken the baking world by storm. No surprise, especially given its especially moist and rich texture.

Has the Carmine Carmelon Cake phenomenon reached you yet?

Oh, alright.

Okay, okay.

If you must know, I was actually attempting...

A red velvet cake.

I go by the philosophy of "If I cannot do justice to the recipes, then I can at least reframe them".

I used 2/3 of this red velvet cake recipe by Art of Dessert.

Red Velvet Cake

3/4 cups butter, melted
3/4 cup vegetable oil
2 1/4 cups sugar
3 large eggs
1 1/2 cups vanilla yogurt
1 ounce red food coloring (liquid or gel)
1 1/2 tsp. vanilla extract
3 1/4 cups flour
3 tbs cocoa powder
2 tsp baking powder
1 1/2 tsp baking soda
3/4 tsp salt

1. Preheat oven to 175 degrees celsius. Grease and flour two 8-inch or 9-inch cake pans or line three muffin pans with cupcake liners.
2. In a large mixing bowl, cream butter and sugar till light and fluffy.
3. Add eggs one at a time. 
4. Add yogurt into a small bowl.
5. Cry out "Shoot!" because you realise that you do not have enough yogurt. 
6. Get to the store. At the aisle, devote significant amount of time to think, "Should I buy the 2-tub yogurt because it is cheaper per tub, or buy only 1 tub because that's all I need. But if I buy the 2-tub, I will have leftovers and what will I do with it? I'll have to buy more ingredients. But if I..."Repeat loop as many times as necessary up to the desired level of satisfaction.
7. Next, grab yogurt. Dash out of the store. Come back all sweaty.
8. Then add the required yogurt, vanilla extract and red food coloring to the small bowl.
9. At this time, if you must know, in addition, the
- kitchen trolley counter
- my t-shirt
- my fingers
were also recipients, albeit unwilling ones, of the stain-happy red colouring. It was not brought to my attention that the colouring I had bought was contagious in nature.
10. Then sift together flour, cocoa powder, baking powder, baking soda and salt in another bowl.
11. Alternate adding the yogurt mixture and flour mixture into the large bowl.
12. Pour batter into prepared pans or lined muffin pans. Bake for 30-35 minutes (15-20 minutes if making cupcakes) or until a toothpick inserted in the center of the cake comes out clean. Cool completely.
13. When the cake is cooled, slice in the middle, slap on frosting and serve. I used the flour frosting.

So while it is not true that this is the Carmine Carmelona Cake, it is true that it does have a moist and rich texture.

Yummy!

Just looking at the colours makes me feel all patriotic.

What would The Failed Chef do next time?

• The cake texture was great, but a deeper chocolate accent is missing, though cocoa has been added. Perhaps to add in chocolate chips and cocoa powder like the recipe in the red wine cupcakes?
• Use another brand of red colouring that gives a deeper red - I used up the whole 28ml bottle just to get this colour!

Kway Teow Soup

In my life time, there have been many times when I have been right. For example:

When you go out without bringing an umbrella, it is 98.3% guaranteed to rain.

When you are in a rush and mumbling "excuse me" scrambling your way up the escalator to the train platform, it is 96.2% likely that the train doors will have just closed when you are 0.1 steps away from it.

When you are conducting an interview with someone very important and who you want to impress, that it is 99.7% likely you have visible dried up snot peering out of your nose. You will realise this only after the interview is over.

Not only do I try to be right, I also try to be precise about it.

But I am also grateful for the times when I have been wrong.

Such as, my belief that I hate vegetables 100%. I have been wrong once, and I am happy to be wrong again. Perhaps the advancing years have changed my taste buds, and vegetables on my plate have become less offensive. My 100% fondness for cakes, chips, and ice cream, unfortunately, have remain unchanged.

Still searching for simple recipes, I chanced upon The Little Teochew's Kuay Teow Soup and it seemed 94.7% doable for The Failed Chef.

Kway Teow Soup

3/4 cup chicken stock
3/4 cup water,
150g Kuay teow noodles (or other noodles)
100g vegetables (if you are vegetable-shy like me you will probably cut the leaves into smaller portions)
Fillings (meat, fishball, egg, yong tau foo, prawns etc - I used sliced mushrooms and peas because that is all I have)
Fried shallots (garnishing)

1. Boil water.
2. Pour some of the boiling water into a bowl and soak sliced mushrooms. I have no idea why I do this but I've watched my mom do it in the past. Probably to get rid of mushroom smell. Anyone?
3. Since I have just taken the kway teow noodles out of the fridge, I blanch it for 30s first in boiling water. Drain and set aside. I would prefer not to mix it with the soup in case I cannot finish eating the serving at one sitting.
4. Leave about 3/4 of boiling water in the saucepan, and boil it combining with the chicken stock.
5. Once your soup comes to a boil again, bring the fire on low.
6. Blanch the greens and fillings until cooked, set aside. Turn off flame.

By now I will have
(a) a colander containing the kway teow noodles
(b) a plate of vegetables and fillings
(c) a saucepan of soup.

This is a one-bowl dish but I have three separate dishes because I try my best to make things complicated 23.7% of the time. When I am ready to eat, I'll just take the appropriate amounts of fillings, vegetables and noodles and top it up with the soup.

For such a simple dish, this was really tasty! I ate it with 0.5 chili padi.

Oh, and by the way, I was wrong again.

This recipe...

Turned out to be..

100% doable!

What would The Failed Chef do next time?

• Stick with the basic formula and try out different fillings and meat.